If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
You Might Also Like
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
there’s probably a fee though
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My background check bounced.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there