Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
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Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My plans: 2020:
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?