barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Confused owl: What?!
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix