Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
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Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …