I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-