I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
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[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
my favorite genre of twitter
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Me trying to walk in a dream
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor