I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
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her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Life with a cat in one tweet
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that