Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Go girl power!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I was bored.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.