Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute