Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.