I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok