What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”