I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
You Might Also Like
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Chicago sounds lovely.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
*exercises sarcastically*
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife