GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
CRYING
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks