Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!