Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
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Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Brands during Pride
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.