[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
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Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.