Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
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When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster