Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
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If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Hot Hot Hot
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
😂🤣😂🤣
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.