I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
You Might Also Like
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful