My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I will never stop laughing at this
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.