When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much