If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
do horses think humans are hats