I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
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Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.