i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
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Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
a fate I wish upon no one
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts