Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
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Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f