My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
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random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
What an awful time to have common sense.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?