So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
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Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
TRAIN’S HERE
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Breaking news:
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
do what now??
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time