someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
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I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.