We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
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Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!