Your honor these allegations are
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
🍞🦆
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.