Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
what’s the point then??
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.