Cucumbers Anonymous
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I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂