Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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Best table by far
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
We’ve all been there
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now