Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
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[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance