Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!