straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
You Might Also Like
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
concern
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
bugs when you lift up a rock
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.