I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.