It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.