[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
You Might Also Like
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
what does he know…
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot