Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
bears
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
same bro
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.