Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: