Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
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My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton