[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform