Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
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My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome