I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again