*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
You Might Also Like
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.