Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
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Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
😏😏😏
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%