We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into