Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*